just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize