Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Can I color on your dick again?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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