I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
