Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
