I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
be right there i have to get my cape
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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