By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
