I wish I only lived at night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Randomize
