This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
