my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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