he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
