Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
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I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize