a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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