There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
