Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
