Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
