You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
