I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
