Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
