I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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