this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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