You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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