Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize