Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She needs sedatives and a leash
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
