So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
