I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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