I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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