How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
