a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
