I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
