I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
