my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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