nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wear drunk well.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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