Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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