booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
