She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
