The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
