dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The power of my boobs compel you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
