I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
