I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
