we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
