Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
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but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
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Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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