So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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