There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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