Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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