im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
