I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i've created a new STD.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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