I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
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I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
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Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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