I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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