Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
