dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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