bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
