i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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