Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
