You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
