I wannas sexs uuuuu
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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