Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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