don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
