There was a lot of him and a little penis
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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