I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
